Denis has been mentioned a few times in this blog and many will know he's my Dad, you will also know he is an alcoholic and our relationship is a very fraught one.
Last time I mentioned him was back in November when I invited him to spend Christmas with us. It would have been the perfect opportunity for him to have a Christmas with his three kids and partners and his four grandchildren.

I invited him the first time around the 14th Nov, he was over the moon and I thought a little slurry but I left it at that pleased that he had accepted and was so obviously happy about it.

When I called back a week later to say both brothers had also said they could make it he asked
'Am I coming too?'
I repeated the invite and he excused himself saying it must be Alzeimers.
I called back at the beginning of December and again he couldn't remember the invite and I replied shortly
'I've already invited you twice Dad!'
I didn't take a lot of notice of his reply as I was already getting fed up by this point. I spoke to my brothers and warned them that I wouldn't be calling him to invite him yet again.

Needless to say we got a phone call on Christmas morning to say he didn't think he was going to make it as his feet were playing him up. (His feet do swell up and he struggles to walk without a stick but we are all convinced it is when he drinks)

We got on and had a really good day and the day after the brothers left for other family arrangements as is the norm in most families I believe. So Dad missed out on the umpteenth Christmas with us and being so used to his lacksidaisical manner, no one was particularly surprised about it although all in our own way disappointed that at 60+ he still hasn't learnt his lesson or can be like other Dads.
On the 27th Christmas, my brother forwarded me a text he had received from Dad at 5.30am saying
'Seeing as you can't be bothered to pass through the door on Boxing Day I don't ever want to see you or your family again'
The text was longer but the drift was that. (Oh, and my brother was due to visit his wife's family having dedicated Christmas day to his own family)
My brother was very upset but also angry, he'd bailed Dad out earlier in the year to the tune of £1500 when he could ill afford it as he has a family himself. He'd also accompanied him on many occasions to the doctors, Alcohol Anonymous and other organisations attempting to help him recover from this terrible disease.
But as anyone who deals with an alcoholic knows, you can't do anything for them. The final decision to right something HAS to come from them.
I have been very angry since Christmas and can't bring myself to call him. I feel as if I should but I know he will tell me another pack of lies and I won't have the courage to tell him I know he's lying to me. It breaks my heart every time.

Today is Denis's 63rd birthday, I didn't send a card and I haven't yet called him. I do feel guilty about it. I worry he's going to die and we haven't spoken (he's had a few near misses over the past few years - all drink related)
My younger brother has been to see him over the past weekends. He's not a happy man and I don't think he ever will be. But we really must do something about it soon.

Ex has such a finality to it that the feeling you get is of ending. Gone. Finished. Complete. But in some cases 'ex' is never going to be as such but evolves into a new being of simply 'there'.

I have been approached recently by a journalist asking whether I would like to take part in an article on separated couples. I am very interested and plan to take this up in the near future. However it has got me thinking about my ex, his important part in my past and present and of course what the future may hold in store...

We have our Final Hearing on the 14th February. An event we shall both share as important and the irony in the chosen date isn't lost on me! Forcing me to question how the world works and who is up there making these 'coincidental' decisions? I am doomed to remember my ex on Valentine's Day for the rest of my life. How wierd is that?

Fact is, even if a piece of paper will declare 'all is over' x amount to him, x amount to her (if i'm lucky) he's never completely going to be gone is he?
There are our two children. I go over about every 6 weeks to keep in touch with them and we will inevitably meet up at important moments in their lives for years to come.
There is my past. You can't just close down your past as it is what makes you who you are today. You draw on your past experiences to take decisions in your present. After 18 years spent together, he's bound to crop up.
And of course there was a time when we truly loved each other and the feeling was very intense and passionate. I can't ignore that or brush it aside as to do so would be to limit my own understanding of myself.

So it's no wonder that in both of my recent pregnancies when dreams are at their strongest I have dreamt of Enrico and woken in the morning wondering why? He had nothing to do with the babies I was carrying, we haven't spoken for about a year and even when I vist Italy I rarely see him as we choose to avoid one another. So why is he cropping up in my sub conscience?

I have decided to write a book of our story and now is the time to start it. It will help me 'clear out the loft' so to speak.

It all started back in London in October 1985. I need to find out the music in the charts at that time, what were we watching on TV, who were our A list celebs and so on to create the atmosphere. I can remember Talking Heads. Wogan.
Can you help me go back to that period? What were you doing then? Did you watch Wogan on the box? I'm sure that's the early days of Eastenders, any info would be fun to hear. Thanks

Big question, ladies who predict your future have been around since the year dot and the mystery linked to tarot cards, clairvoyancy and anything spooky has always held an enormous attration to many.

I, in my past have relied far too much on predictions getting to a point where it was running my life, I chose to put a stop to it and have carried on with my life for a long time without the need to know
Anyway, last December when I was striving to get pregnant I came across a lady called Cherie who does predictions free of charge only they take about 6 months to get through as she has so much work. If you want to jump the list you can pay $7.00 to get one, so I thought Oh what the heck! It's Christmas, I'll pay the 7 dollars.
Here is the first email I received from Cherie

Hi there Marianne

Thank you for using the prediction bypass portion....looks like paypal charged you twice though!! The payment came through as 14.00, rather than one payment of 7.00.. so I can either refund you the 7.00, or upgrade you to a "sibling express" prediction?? just let me know what you would like to do.

I just also need to know if you want a ttc prediction or pregnancy one and what pregnancy number your working on. Please include any loss you might have experienced.

Thanks
Cheri

So I wrote....
Hi Cheri,
Thanks for getting back to me. At this point keep the extra $7.00 dollars so I get a fuller picture (hopefully)
My story -
I was married and have two grown children from that marriage (18 + 16), I met my fiancé a couple of years ago and I am now 40 so not the best child bearing age.
We started to ttc last Oct and I fell pregnant in feb/march but unfortunately lost the baby at 20+6. I was obviously devastated and my confidence took quite a knock. We are still ttc and every month I go through the motions of thinking I am, only to find out I am not and it's soul destroying as you can imagine.
The baby I lost, Elize, was a little girl, nobody could give me any clear reason as to why I lost her, they just said infection which is pretty vague to be honest. The baby was healthy had no Downs Syndrome - which at my age is excellent and if God should wish I would like to have another child asap and possibly a sibling...or two (but maybe that's asking for too much!)
If you could let me know what you find out I'd be very grateful
Thanks Marianne

Her reply came back ......
Hi Marianne

You know what.. I think that you should post to a women named Zakia in todays parent forum. ( i can give you a link if you like) she is similar in age (i believe just a bit older) and she took has conceived and unfortunetly m/c.. later to learn that she too has an infection..S he might be able to talk to you about it, and see if you guys both have this.. I know that her and her husband have to take antibiotics... is there anyway to find out if yours is infact cleared up?

And I do see one more child for you and I do see it being a BOY... I believe that this will have a connection to MARCH.. so either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in. I do believe that also if you try accupuncture and also try http://www.pregnancyloss.info/sperm_meets_egg_plan.htm you will have much success in concieving really fast. I do not think that you will have any issues getting pregnant. All though your age by your birthday is 40, your body I do believe is only similar to what you would have experienced 35-38. I believe you even feel young at heart!

Reason you have not concieved as of yet...I believe that although your pressed for "time" as you think ( your not, still have years left to keep trying if you want more than one! lol) is because your afraid... afraid of getting pregnant and experiencing that again, and afraid of not getting pregnant.. I think that your inhibitting your own progress perhaps on a self concious level.....

With that being said.. let me know where else you would like your reading to go.. either the indepth reading on your son to come... or perhaps you or your husband, finances?? etc..

Thanks
Cheri

mmmmmm. So I replied
Thank you!
It will be interesting to see if it's a boy as I have always thought boy but the Chinese predictor comes up with girl. We'll see
If, as you say, I could have the in-depth reading for the first due in April - the boy I would be very happy.
Thank you once again
Marianne

and this was her reply.....
Hi Marianne

here is the reading for the boy

when it comes to your son, he is going to be adventurous, soemone who does not have alot of fear, no problems climbing trees or leaping off the couch (when you not looking of course) and will be willing to try anything at least once.

I think that you will find that he is very outgoing and seems to get along with kids of all ages. Seems to enjoy hanging around kids either his age, or just slightly older. You will find that he loves to play with toys that require imagination. Often toys like cars, or transformers, etc.. soldiers..etc.. require imagination and no batteries. You will see endless stories come out of him and go into his make believe world.

he has a good happy go lucky type attitude. Often tends to focus on the postitive tyhings in life, and likes to help out. I think that you will find that he is more than willing to help volunteer his time around the house, or if there is someone that you guys know that needs help is the first one to offer. Without even a second thought.

He is just such a sharing, caring and generous young man that will continue into his old age. he always thinks ahead, and often thinks of others before himself, making sure to not to step on any toes with any decision that he makes. Often trying to make the right desicion that will benefit not only himself but the ones around him.

When it does finally move from home, wont be far. Will want to make sure that you guys are well taken care of and that he is close by should you need anything.

When it comes to career paths, I see your son heading into social service type career. Usually handling familys with low income, and working to help them acheive better things for themselves. I think that you will also find that your son will write a few short stories, usually published in mens' magazines (not R rated) and othertimes have his work included in a novel of short stories. There are a few of his ideas, that are pitched to movie producers, and taken into having a film made about it. most times, he collaborates on the script, but will not write it himself.

When it comes to marraige he will be around 28. They will hae one girl and one boy of their own.

let me know if you have any questions
Thanks
Cheri

So what do you make of all that then? Penny for your thoughts xx

I have been told this in a nice attempt to cheer me up and the person it came from is a very good friend of mine and we go back - gosh to junior school!
And you know I think when you get to 40 each and every one of us has a few battle scars gained throughout the years which, yes, have made us stronger and challenged us to the core. However, my answer to this very dear friend of mine was
'I've had enough of challenges, I want to be scrubbed off the list of 'People To Make Stronger.' I want to be left alone to enjoy my days in peace.
If it's true that we come into this world with a Life Plan then I'd really be curious to see what point I'm at with mine and what the hell is left on it for me to still battle through!

Here are some of the phrases people say to try and make you feel better after a miscarriage, I'm not scorning them as they all mean well but when you're on the receiving side they can seem as if they're slightly off target... (I have borrowed this form the Baby World 'Losing a Baby forum, it can be found as a sticky post at the top of the board and is an excellent guide to all of us)

"It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counselling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

"It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

"You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

"Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

"Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

"Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

"Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

"I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

"It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

"Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.

If you're my boss or my co-worker:

Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.

Do recognize that in addition to the physical after effects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.

If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.

Author Unknown

I haven't been around again for quite a while as I was so caught up with Christmas and my pregnancy and I have been spending far too much time on pregnancy forums.
Much has happened and now I'm kicking myself that I didn't keep this updated, however I have been writing an online pregnancy diary on Babyworld.co.uk.
My username is chocolatedrop. I have two diaries
1. 40 and positive (for when I was trying to conceive and for now)
2. 40, fabulous and pregnant (for the duration of my pregnancy)
Why is it I chose titles that on retrospect make me cringe?

The sad news is that after going for an early scan to try and put my anxious mind at rest last Thursday I discovered that I have a Blighted Ovum. This means - I am pregnant but in the initial division of the cells that go to form the blastocyst which then implants in the uterus, ours divided themselves badly and created everything bar the baby. So although we saw a gestation sack there was no baby in it.

I was absolutely gutted and am still in shock. I thought I'd kind of 'done my bit' with my last late miscarriage in summer 06 but no, obviously not.

My body still thinks I'm pregnant however and I am off to see my GP shortly to talk over my options which basically boil down to 3
1. Expectant Management - you wait for everything to be passed naturally. Pros, nature's way of sorting out a bad egg. Cons, you have no idea of when this may happen so limbo land
2. Medical Management - You are given a drug to counteract the progesterone in your body which helps the pregnancy to 'stick' which can take up to a few hours to take effect followed by pessaries to encourage the cervix to open and therefore pass all of the products of conception. (What a horrible expression!)
3. EPRC - surgical removement of products of conception under an anesthetic.

I would prefer the first option but this seems to stop and start willy nilly and is very tiring for me emotionally. I am scared stiff of the 3rd option as I have never been a fan of hospitals net alone operations adn the second is resulting back to drugs and I wonder if there will be any long term effects from it.
It goes without saying that I am feeling a whole range of emotions the first that of failure in my partner's eyes. I feel as if I have let him down yet again. He promises me this is not the case but you can't help but feel it.
I am also feeling incredibly low which is so unlike me as I usually manage to find something to focus on and pick myself up.
But, I think worst of all that I have hit an all time low and feel as if I never will achieve this dream, I have lost faith in myself and life in general and that is scary.

Oh and before I go, do you remember me talking about Wendy, my partner's sister in law? Who had been trying for over 5 years and struggled due to PCOS??? Well to add a totally bitter sweet ingrediant to this sad post, she too is pregnant after all this time and her due date was 2 days after mine. 28th August 07
I am over the moon for her, she is a lovely woman and they both deserve this so much but this does mean I will have a constant reminder of my second lost pregnancy.
That's when I can truly say
'Life is a bitch!'